Animals Who Would Absolutely Ghost You If They Had Smartphones
If animals had group chats, we’d all be muted, left on read, and probably blocked by Wednesday. We like to think we’re the main characters of Earth, but if you look even slightly closer, it’s obvious: animals have better drama, pettier grudges, and more chaotic energy than any reality show.
Let’s expose the animal kingdom’s most unbothered, unhinged, and emotionally unavailable icons—because once you see how they act, you’ll never look at your “delivered 2 hours ago” texts the same way again.
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1. Crows: The Neighborhood Gossip Network With Wings
If any animal is secretly running the local rumor mill, it’s crows. They remember faces, talk to their friends about you, and hold grudges so long they could be legally classified as generational trauma.
Scientists have found that crows can recognize individual humans and will straight-up **teach other crows** who to like and who to hate. Annoy one crow once, and suddenly its grandchildren are side-eyeing you from a lamppost like, “That’s the one, grandma.”
They also bring gifts to humans they like—buttons, shiny things, random trinkets—which is adorable until you realize that’s basically emotional manipulation. They’re the friend who shows up with snacks but also knows ALL your secrets and could ruin you socially at any time.
If crows had smartphones:
- They’d run the group chat.
- They’d have a private “Do Not Trust” list with screenshots of your worst angles.
- They’d absolutely send your embarrassing karaoke video to the entire murder (yes, a group of crows is literally called a “murder,” because of course it is).
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2. Octopuses: The Escape Artists Who Are Too Smart to Text You Back
Octopuses are so intelligent that zookeepers basically have to design underwater escape rooms just to keep them occupied. They solve puzzles, open jars, and have been caught sneaking out of tanks at night, exploring, then going back before anyone notices.
One famous octopus reportedly learned how to squirt water at a specific light to short-circuit it—**on purpose**. That’s not an animal. That’s an overqualified IT intern who’s done with everyone’s nonsense.
They also have distinct personalities: some are shy, some are bold, some are pure chaotic evil who enjoy unscrewing their tank mates’ lids just to watch keepers panic. And each of their arms has its own mini nervous system, meaning their limbs are half-autonomous. Imagine having eight co-workers that are all you, but slightly more impulsive.
If an octopus had a phone:
- It would jailbreak it in 10 minutes.
- Half the texts would be written by rogue tentacles.
- You’d get left on read because it got bored and escaped the conversation *and* its physical enclosure.
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3. Dolphins: The Overly Smart Chaos Gremlins of the Sea
Dolphins have great PR. They’re always painted as the sparkly, smiling lifeguards of the ocean. But beneath the Disney grin is a creature that’s smart enough to understand complex language—and chaotic enough to use that power for vibes only.
They have names for each other in the form of unique whistle patterns, and they can **remember those “names” for at least 20 years**. That’s longer than some people remember their exes, which is honestly impressive. They also play, tease, and even manipulate other animals just to see what happens.
Some dolphins have learned they can get more fish from trainers by bringing them trash or random objects. The wild part? They’ll **break big items into pieces** and trade each chunk separately to get more rewards. That’s not just intelligence, that’s couponing.
If dolphins had smartphones:
- They’d send you voice notes that are 97% inside jokes you don’t get.
- They’d absolutely know how to game every app’s reward system.
- Their group chat would be mostly memes, schemes, and suspicious “you up?” pings at 3 a.m. sonar time.
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4. Goats: Professional Agents of Chaos With Zero Boundaries
Goats are basically parkour dogs with less sense of consequence. They climb trees, balance on ridiculous surfaces, and make scream noises that sound like someone’s uncle at karaoke. Their official hobby is “finding the most unstable object and standing directly on it.”
They’ve been found on top of cars, halfway up cliffs, and in trees like some kind of demonic woodland decoration. Their pupils are rectangular, which gives them a wide field of view and also makes them look like they’re permanently judging your life choices.
Despite the chaos, goats are surprisingly clever and social. They can recognize human facial expressions and prefer people who look happy. Which means: yes, your emotional support goat is low-key evaluating whether you’re worth its time.
If goats had smartphones:
- They’d spam you with blurry “accidental” selfies from weird angles.
- They’d climb on your desk mid-Zoom and turn the camera on without warning.
- Every call would sound like a glitchy horror movie because of those unhinged screams.
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5. Pigeons: City Brains Who Are Way More Qualified Than Us
We treat pigeons like flying leftovers, but these birds are secretly running a high-level urban operation. They can recognize human faces, remember locations, and even distinguish between different styles of artwork in experiments. Yes, the “sky rats” are out here doing entry-level art criticism.
Historically, pigeons were used as message carriers in wars because they’re ridiculously good at finding their way home over huge distances. Meanwhile, we still use GPS to get to the same coffee shop we’ve been going to for three years.
In labs, pigeons have been shown to identify letters of the alphabet, categorize medical images, and even spot cancer in radiology scans with surprising accuracy. Imagine going in for a checkup and the doctor’s like, “Good news: the pigeon says you’re fine.”
If pigeons had smartphones:
- They’d have better navigation than any map app.
- They’d absolutely send 78 identical messages that all say “omw.”
- They’d ignore your DMs but find your exact balcony from 10 miles away like it’s nothing.
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Conclusion
Animals aren’t just cute—they’re chaotic masterminds with better memory, better drama, and in many cases, better emotional boundaries than we have. Crows are running background checks, dolphins are farming reward systems, octopuses are breaking out of containment, goats are parkouring through life, and pigeons are out here doing data analysis.
Next time you get left on read, just remember: if animals had phones, they’d ghost you faster—and with way more skill.
Share this with someone who:
- Thinks humans are the smartest species
- Has ever been personally victimized by a goose, crow, or goat
- Secretly knows pigeons are plotting something
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Sources
- [Cornell Lab of Ornithology – American Crow](https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/American_Crow/overview) – Details on crow intelligence, social behavior, and recognition abilities
- [Smithsonian Magazine – The Mind of an Octopus](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/mind-octopus-180953766/) – Explores octopus intelligence, problem-solving, and personalities
- [National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) – Dolphin Facts](https://www.fisheries.noaa.gov/species/bottlenose-dolphin) – Information on bottlenose dolphin behavior, communication, and cognition
- [National Geographic – Extreme Tree-Climbing Goats](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/140611-goats-morocco-trees-argan-oil) – Coverage of goats’ climbing behavior and their unusual arboreal habits
- [UC Davis – Pigeon Intelligence Research](https://health.ucdavis.edu/news/headlines/pigeons-as-expert-image-analysts/2015/09) – Study on pigeons’ ability to interpret complex images, including medical scans