Animals Who Would Absolutely Ghost You Back (If They Had Phones)
If animals had smartphones, they would not be texting you “wyd” at 2 a.m. They would leave you on read, mute the group chat, and only post cryptic Instagram stories from the vet’s office. Behind those adorable faces is the energy of 10,000 petty roommates and one emotionally unavailable situationship.
Welcome to the secret lives of animals who would 100% ghost you back, spill your tea, and raid your snack drawer without paying rent. Read this, then try to look your pet in the eye like nothing happened.
The Cat: Professional Boundary-Setter With Zero Explanation
Cats are the original “seen 3:01 PM” energy. One minute they’re purring on your chest like you’re the love of their life, the next they’ve vanished to stare at a wall and contemplate chaos. If cats had phones, they’d text you once every three days with “hey” and then vanish for seven hours mid-conversation. That’s not bad communication; that’s just their brand.
You would send a heartfelt paragraph about your feelings, and your cat would respond with a single paw emoji and a photo of their own face. They’d maintain 37 unread notifications, ignore your “did you get home safe?” text, then post a story of them knocking over your favorite mug. Group chats would know them as the one who never replies but always likes the drama screenshots. If you double-texted? They’d walk across your keyboard, send “kkkkkkkk,” then step on airplane mode.
The wildest part: if you stopped texting, your cat would be offended. How dare you not worship the tiny furry CEO of chaos? Expect them to sit on your laptop, block your view, and look personally betrayed—then go back to ignoring you like it’s their full-time job.
The Dog: Over-Attached, Typing… Forever
Dogs, on the other hand, are clingy in the most chaotic way. If dogs had phones, they’d be the friend who FaceTimes without warning, breathes directly into the mic, and forgets why they called. Every notification from them would just be “HEY!!” “U UP?” “R U HOME YET???” followed by 47 blurry photos of the same ball.
They’d send you 19 messages before you even woke up. Missed call at 6:03 a.m.: “Woke up, thought about you.” 6:07 a.m.: “Heard a noise.” 6:08 a.m.: “False alarm, was my own tail.” If you took longer than five minutes to respond, your dog would spiral into a full breakdown, convinced you’d left forever and started a new life with a different, better dog.
The group chat would be 90% them dropping “GUYS I LOVE YOU” every hour just because they remembered you exist. Every time your location moved even one block, they’d send: “WHERE ARE YOU GOING???” and maybe a crying GIF. Dogs wouldn’t ghost you. They’d haunt you—with love, confusion, and unsolicited selfies from the vet, water bowl, couch, and that one specific corner they bark at for no reason.
The Raccoon: That One Friend Who Steals Your Fries And Your Data
Raccoons are already tiny burglars with grabby hands and zero shame. Give them smartphones and you’ve officially created the world’s cutest cybercriminals. This is the friend who shows up uninvited, raids your fridge, uses your Wi-Fi, and leaves with your charger “by accident.” A raccoon with a phone would have three burner accounts and still text you from “New Phone Who Dis?”
They’d slide into your DMs at 2:43 a.m. like, “heyyy u up? also what’s your Netflix login again.” Their camera roll? 50% trash can selfies, 40% blurry food shots they did not pay for, and 10% blackmail material of you in your worst angles through the window. If you invited them over for a movie night, they’d show up with six relatives and a mysterious backpack that crinkles.
Raccoons would absolutely ghost you… until they needed something. Weeks of silence, then suddenly: “hey bestieeeee do u still live close to that pizza place? hypothetically.” You’d say “no more using my stuff,” and five minutes later they’d be streaming movies from your account named “RACCOON (DO NOT TOUCH).” You’d threaten to change your password, and they’d send a selfie from inside your recycling bin like, “Let’s not do anything drastic.”
The Parrot: Walking Screenshot With Wings
Parrots are basically feathered voice recorders with gossip-channel energy. If they had phones, they’d be that friend who knows *everything* about *everyone* and absolutely cannot keep a secret. They’d be in every group chat, every side chat, and somehow the admin of three different “don’t tell anyone I made this group” groups.
You’d rant to your parrot about your crush, and the next day they’d be on speakerphone shrieking your business while you’re in the background yelling, “NO NO NO MUTE IT.” They’d have the receipts: screenshots, screen recordings, and occasional accidental voice notes of you singing badly in the shower. Parrots would not ghost you; they would aggressively keep the conversation going… even when you wish they wouldn’t.
Their texts would be chaotic: random voice messages of them repeating your worst quotes, “LOL” 38 times in a row, and suspiciously well-timed “soooooo guess what” messages right when you sit down to be productive. If you ever tried to go off the grid, parrots would tag you in an old photo with, “remember when you said you were DONE with him?” followed by three crying-laughing emojis and the entire friend group liking it instantly.
The Goldfish: Master of Forgetting You Exist Every Five Seconds
Goldfish are the kings of short-term memory and unbothered energy. If they had phones, they wouldn’t ghost you on purpose—they’d just forget you texted in the first place. This is the friend who opens your DM, types “omg I’ll reply in a sec,” then disappears for three weeks and comes back like, “SORRY I JUST SAW THIS” (they did not just see it).
Their chat history would be 47 unread messages from you and one random “hiiii” sent at 3:12 a.m. six months ago. No replies, no context, just vibes. You’d confide something dramatic, and they’d respond with, “wait who is that again?” even though you’ve told them nine times and sent photos, diagrams, and a PowerPoint. Every time you repeated the story, they’d react like it’s brand new piping-hot tea.
Goldfish wouldn’t hold grudges because they simply cannot remember what you did. You ghost them? They’ll greet you next time with, “omg how are you, long time!” like you didn’t vanish mid-conversation. Honestly, being ghosted by a goldfish might be the healthiest relationship you’ll ever have—no drama, no overthinking, just pure “who are you again but in a nice way” energy.
Conclusion
If animals had phones, your notifications would be chaos: your dog love-bombing you, your cat ignoring you, your raccoon stealing your passwords, your parrot leaking your voice notes, and your goldfish forgetting you ever existed. And yes, you’d still put them all on “Favorites.”
So next time you worry someone left you on read, remember: somewhere out there, a cat would do it harder, a parrot would live-tweet it, and a raccoon would steal your phone anyway.
Now send this to a friend who has big Cat Energy, Dog Energy, or Raccoon-Level Menace and ask:
**Which animal are you in the group chat?**