Animals Who Would Absolutely Block You On Social Media
You think animals are cute, wholesome little blobs of nature. Nature disagrees.
If animals had social media, half of us would be muted, blocked, or aggressively left on read.
Welcome to the unofficial call-out post for the animal kingdom’s biggest drama queens, boundary-setters, and petty legends. Share this before your cat reports you for emotional spam.
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The Cat: Will Leave You On Read For 17–21 Business Years
Imagine texting someone “hey :)” and getting no response while they:
- Make intense eye contact
- Knock your glass off the table
- Sit directly on the thing you’re trying to use
- Blink slowly like *you’re* the one being weird
That’s a cat.
Cats would absolutely block you for:
- Using baby talk in public
- Trying to pick them up when they are clearly “busy” staring at the wall
- Closing the bathroom door (unacceptable)
- Laugh-reacting to their failed jump instead of pretending you “saw nothing”
They are scientifically designed to act like they’re not that into you… and then scream at 3 a.m. because their bowl is 8% empty.
The funniest part? Cats actually *do* recognize your voice and can distinguish it from strangers. They just choose not to respond. That’s not a pet. That’s an emotionally unavailable roommate who occasionally lets you pay rent in treats.
**Share if a cat has ever ghosted you in your own house.**
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The Crow: Fully Qualified To Run A Petty Receipts Account
Crows are so smart it’s actually suspicious. They remember faces, hold grudges, and can recognize people who treated them nicely. Basically: they’re the neighborhood auntie who knows *everyone’s* business.
Crows would block you for:
- Not refilling the bird feeder
- Posting “birds aren’t real” memes unironically
- Making fun of them for sounding like a 90-year-old chain smoker
But here’s the twist: if you’re nice to them, they might literally bring you gifts, like shiny objects, random trinkets, or small pieces of trash they think you’ll vibe with. That’s love language: “Acts of Service (and Garbage).”
They’ve even been observed using tools and teaching other crows how to avoid dangerous humans. Which means if you wronged one crow, congratulations—you’re on the Do Not Interact list for the entire murder.
**Share this before the crows unionize and start a group chat about you.**
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The Octopus: Will Block You, Hack Your Account, And Log Out Remotely
Octopuses are basically underwater escape artists with anxiety and eight arms. They can unscrew jars, solve puzzles, and slip through holes that look like they’d only fit a USB cable.
Octopuses would block you for:
- Tapping on the glass like it’s a TikTok thirst trap
- Calling them “squishy” instead of “cephalopod overlord”
- Posting seafood pics within a 5-meter radius of their tank
They’ve been caught sneaking out of tanks at night, snatching food from nearby enclosures, and then returning to their own tank like nothing happened. That’s not an animal. That’s a co-worker who quietly eats your labeled lunch and gaslights the break room camera.
Some aquariums even report that octopuses will deliberately squirt water at lights or equipment they don’t like. That’s equivalent to rage-logging you out of Netflix mid-episode.
**Share this if you respect our future octopus rulers and would like to be spared.**
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The Goose: Your Local Chaos Admin With Zero Block Filter
If animals had Twitter (sorry, “X”), geese would be trending every day under #Problematic. Geese don’t block. They quote-tweet you with violence.
Geese would “interact” with you for:
- Walking past them
- Walking near them
- Existing in their line of sight
- Breathing outdoors
They hiss, they chase, they flap their wings like someone typed in the wrong cheat code. And they’re *good* at defending themselves—many people seriously underestimate that wingspan until it’s approximately six inches from their face.
Despite the chaos, geese are fiercely loyal to their mates and families, and can even remember certain locations over migration routes. So yes, they will literally fly thousands of miles back to the same lake. And if you annoyed them last summer? They *remember.*
Geese don’t block you. They soft-block you from the entire waterfront.
**Share this if you’ve ever been personally victimized by a goose and survived to tell the tale.**
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The Goat: That Friend Who “Jokingly” Roasts You But Means Every Word
Goats are the chaotic neutral energy of a rural petting zoo. If they had social media, they’d be the ones posting blurry memes at 2 a.m. with captions like “lol this is you.”
Goats would block you for:
- Not bringing snacks
- Bringing snacks but not sharing fast enough
- Looking at them while holding snacks and not visibly moving toward them
They will eat your shirt, your map, your hair, and probably your dignity. Their pupils are weird horizontal rectangles that make them look like they’ve seen the code behind the simulation and decided to chew on it.
Fun twist: goats can recognize human facial expressions and prefer happy faces over angry ones. So they’d probably lurk your Insta, judge your mood, and then head-butt you anyway because boundaries are just obstacles with extra steps.
**Share this if you know someone with strong goat energy and they’re not even offended by that description.**
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Conclusion
If animals had social media:
- Cats would be the distant influencers
- Crows would be the receipts accounts
- Octopuses would be the hackers
- Geese would be the drama
- Goats would be the unhinged meme posters
And humans? We’d be the ones desperately posting “omg why did I get blocked??” while a raccoon goes through our trash like it’s a pinned thread.
Somewhere out there, an octopus is escaping, a crow is taking notes, a goose is planning violence, a goat is chewing on a fence, and your cat is sitting on your laptop… drafting your cancellation.
**Tag the friend who would 100% get blocked by at least three of these animals.**
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Sources
- [National Geographic – Why Do Cats Act So Weird?](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/cats-domestication-behavior) – Background on cat behavior, domestication, and their suspiciously selective affection
- [Audubon Society – Crows Never Forget a Face](https://www.audubon.org/news/crows-never-forget-face-especially-one-they-hate) – Explains how crows recognize and remember human faces (and grudges)
- [Scientific American – Minds of Octopuses](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-mind-of-an-octopus/) – Covers octopus intelligence, problem-solving, and escape artistry
- [Smithsonian Magazine – Why Geese Are So Aggressive](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-are-geese-so-aggressive-180972185/) – Discusses goose aggression, territorial behavior, and migration habits
- [BBC Future – The Secret Life of Goats](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170315-the-surprising-smartness-of-goats) – Details goat intelligence, social behavior, and their ability to read human expressions