Animals Who Are Definitely Texting About Us in a Group Chat
Somewhere out there, if animals had phones and unlimited data, there would be a group chat called **“Humans 😂”** and we would be the main topic every single day.
From crows remembering faces to octopuses pulling petty revenge pranks, animals have *receipts* on us. We’re out here thinking we’re the apex species, and meanwhile a squirrel just buried a nut in your front yard and forgot it existed in 12 seconds flat—and still somehow helped grow a forest.
This is your backstage pass to the animal group chat: the tea, the shade, and the “are you serious, human?” energy that would absolutely go viral.
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The Crows’ Burn Book
If any animal is moderating the group chat, it’s crows. These birds have main-character energy *and* the memory of a grudge-holding grandmother.
Crows can recognize individual human faces and remember who was rude to them—*for years*. Scientists who trapped crows for research found that even five years later, the birds would still react aggressively to the same masked faces. They also tell other crows about you, which means if you annoy one crow, you’ve basically made it onto a neighborhood watch list with wings.
In the group chat, crows are sending screenshots like, “This is the one who didn’t share the fries. Clown activity. Avoid.” Then they warn the rest of the flock, who act accordingly. You’re not just walking down the street; you’re walking through a live Yelp review system run by birds in full black outfits.
And yes, they also remember the nice people—those humans get gift-wrapped sticks, shiny objects, and probably 5-star ratings. If your vibe is right, you’re basically getting crow fan mail.
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Dolphins: The Drama-Filled Voice Notes
Dolphins are that chaotic group of friends who are smart, loud, kind of flirty, and absolutely gossiping about everything. They have names for each other—unique signature whistles that work like “@ tags” in a conversation.
They call to each other with specific whistles like, “Where’s Chloe?” or “Ben, you good?” and it works across distances like underwater push notifications. Imagine being so socially advanced that your friends can literally *ping* you in the ocean like a living AirTag.
Dolphins have been seen teaming up to solve problems, staging coordinated hunts, and even using tools—like sea sponges to protect their noses while foraging on rough seafloors. In group-chat terms, they’re the ones sending elaborate voice notes that start with, “Okay so, you’re not gonna BELIEVE what just happened—”
Meanwhile, we’re over here dropping our phones in sinks and forgetting why we walked into the kitchen.
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Octopuses: The Petty Genius in the Chat
If the group chat needs chaos, the octopus is delivering.
Octopuses are escape artists, puzzle solvers, and masters of “I don’t have time for your nonsense.” They can unscrew jars from the inside, remember mazes, and use coconut shells and rocks as portable armor, which is very “DIY survival but make it aesthetic.”
Zoo workers and researchers have reported octopuses deliberately squirting water at lights to short-circuit them, rearranging their tanks, and yeeting objects at people they don’t like. One aquarium told a story of an octopus that repeatedly targeted a specific staff member with water jets. That wasn’t an accident; that was a *decision*.
In the animal chat, the octopus is sending videos like, “POV: you turned my light on too early so I turned your light off permanently.” Their energy is smart, efficient, and slightly vengeful. If they ever get Wi-Fi, we’re done.
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Squirrels: Unintentional City Planners
Squirrels are the anxious over-packers of the animal world, but somehow they’re also out here designing forests by accident.
They bury thousands of nuts every year, and then forget where a shocking number of them are. This would be embarrassing if it didn’t literally grow trees. While we panic about misplacing our keys, squirrels are losing entire future oak forests like, “Oops, my bad, guess I reforested half the neighborhood.”
Despite their chaotic energy, squirrels are surprisingly strategic. They sometimes fake-bury nuts when other squirrels are watching—digging, pretending to stash something, and then leaving with the real snack. That’s not just survival; that’s theater.
In the group chat, the other animals are sending squirrel memes like, “Bro tried to fake a GPS location on his nut stash and still forgot the real one,” while simultaneously thanking them for low-key landscaping the planet.
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Elephants: The Emotionally Mature Ones Judging All of Us
In a world full of chaos, elephants are the friend in the group chat sending wise, three-paragraph replies at 2 a.m. They’re huge, emotional, deeply social, and they absolutely act like the elders of the animal kingdom.
Elephants recognize themselves in mirrors, comfort distressed herd members, and engage in rituals around their dead—lingering near bones, touching them gently, and sometimes staying in the area for a long time. They have strong family bonds and can remember locations and water sources for years, even across vast distances.
When they reunite after time apart, they greet each other with trunk touches, excited postures, and happy vocalizations. That’s not just instinct—that’s reunion energy that would get 2 million likes on TikTok with the caption, “They remembered each other after years.”
In the animal group chat, elephants are sending long messages like, “We need to talk about what humans are doing to the climate,” followed by a shared photo of them gently helping a baby elephant out of the mud, just to remind everyone who actually has their emotional life together.
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Conclusion
If animals had a group chat, we would 100% be the messy subplot.
Crows are rating our behavior. Dolphins are subtweet-whistling about boat people. Octopuses are engineering petty revenge. Squirrels are accidentally building forests with their forgetfulness. Elephants are crying, remembering, and being more emotionally mature than all of us combined.
We’re not just living on Earth; we’re being silently reviewed by an entire planet of creatures who are smarter, pettier, or more wholesome than we give them credit for.
So next time you see a crow staring, a squirrel digging, or a dolphin side-eyeing your boat—just know:
You might already be a screenshot in the “Humans 😂” chat.
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Sources
- [National Audubon Society – The Amazing Intelligence of Crows](https://www.audubon.org/news/the-amazing-brain-science-behind-crows-and-their-cleverness) – Explains how crows recognize faces, remember people, and share information.
- [Smithsonian Magazine – Dolphins Have Names for Each Other](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/dolphins-name-themselves-then-respond-when-called-180959072/) – Covers dolphin signature whistles and their complex social communication.
- [Scientific American – The Intelligence of Octopuses](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-mind-of-an-octopus/) – Discusses octopus problem-solving, escape behavior, and personality.
- [University of Richmond – Squirrels and Spatial Memory](https://www.richmond.edu/stories/article/-/12543/squirrels-are-smarter-than-you-think.html) – Looks at how squirrels cache food, remember locations, and sometimes fake-bury nuts.
- [BBC Future – Do Elephants Mourn Their Dead?](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160225-do-elephants-mourn-their-dead) – Explores elephant memory, emotional depth, and their reactions to death.