Animals Who Are Clearly Running Secret Simulations On Us
You think you’re observing animals. Bold of you to assume you’re the scientist in this situation and not the unpaid lab rat in their ongoing people-watching experiment.
The more we watch animals, the more one thing becomes painfully clear: they are absolutely testing us. From cats doing gravity experiments with your stuff to crows remembering your face like a petty little data analyst, animals are out here gathering metrics on Humanity™—and the results are… not flattering.
Below are five pieces of *deeply suspicious* evidence that animals are running secret simulations on us, and frankly, they’re doing a better job than most tech startups.
---
1. Crows: The Neighborhood Surveillance System That Never Forgets
Crows don’t just remember you. They remember your *vibe*.
Researchers have found that crows can recognize human faces, remember who was rude, and even tell their crow friends about it. That’s not “Oh, that’s the person who feeds me.” That’s “Ah yes, Subject #47: tall, anxious, cardstock-level emotional stability, once yelled at Chad Crow for stealing a Cheeto. Marked as hostile.”
They’ve been observed:
- Holding literal crow “funerals” when one of them dies, like a dark-feathered HOA meeting.
- Bringing people gifts (shiny objects, bits of metal, lost keys) like loyalty rewards for not being a jerk.
- Passing grudges *across generations*—which is impressively petty.
Imagine being so memorable that a bird warns its children about you.
Somewhere in Crow Data HQ there is a mental spreadsheet:
- Column A: Human Face
- Column B: Snack Quality
- Column C: Threat Level
- Column D: Probability They’ll Scream If Dive-Bombed
Are we studying them, or are we living inside their long-term social experiment titled: *“Can Humans Be Trained With Snacks And Mild Psychological Warfare?”*
---
2. Cats: Physics Professors With Zero Respect For Personal Property
Cat owners, you know exactly where this is going.
Cats are not “knocking things off tables.” They are running controlled experiments with repeated trials:
- Hypothesis: Gravity still works.
- Method: Shove item off the table while making unblinking eye contact.
- Variables: Fragility, cost, sentimental value.
- Control group: That one object they never touch, for some reason.
You pick something up. They knock it off again. You pick it up. They knock it off faster. That’s iterative testing. That’s data refinement. That’s Science, but with whiskers and emotional manipulation.
Also suspicious behavior:
- Sitting *exactly* where you’re working: pure dominance trial.
- Bolting through the house at 3 a.m.: testing acoustics and human startle responses.
- Staring at the wall: running a glitch test to see if you freak out.
Cats heard about Schrödinger once and decided to base their entire personality on it. You’re not a pet owner; you’re part of a multi-year cat-led study titled: *“Will This Person Still Love Me If I Act Like A Tiny Furry Supervillain?”*
---
3. Octopuses: Escape Artists Collecting Data On Our Security Flaws
Octopuses are so smart it feels rude.
These ocean noodles have:
- Opened jars from the inside.
- Escaped tanks, slithered across floors, eaten from other tanks, and gone back like nothing happened.
- Shot jets of water at light switches and researchers they don’t like.
That’s not randomness. That’s “I understand your infrastructure and I have notes.”
They can solve puzzles, remember solutions, and even show preferences for certain people. They also rearrange objects in their environment like tiny interior decorators: “No, no, the crab shell goes *here*. Honestly, do I have to do everything?”
The most unsettling part? Some octopus escapes looked less like accidents and more like:
Step 1: Wait until camera is turned.
Step 2: Ooze out.
Step 3: Commit crime.
Step 4: Return to tank.
Step 5: Act innocent.
An octopus watching humans tap on glass all day is probably writing its thesis:
> “On The Cognitive Limitations Of Air-Breathing Mammals Who Think I Can’t Reach That Screw.”
We’re not observing them. They’re evaluating our ability to notice doors.
---
4. Dogs: Emotional Data Analysts Disguised As Good Boys
Dogs have hacked the human emotional operating system.
They study our faces, tones of voice, daily routines, and anxiety patterns like they’re training for a PhD in “Human Management & Strategic Cuteness.”
Known dog experiments include:
- The Tilted Head Move™ whenever you say “walk” or “treat.” That’s them checking your emotional investment levels.
- Sitting on your foot or leaning their full weight on you: testing how much physical contact you tolerate before you melt.
- Bringing you a toy, then walking away with it when you reach: running a tug-of-war engagement metric.
Studies suggest dogs can understand a surprising number of words and even tell the difference between happy and angry expressions. They respond differently to genuine happy voices vs. fake ones, which means your dog knows when you’re pretending to be fine and silently judges your coping skills.
You thought you were training your dog. Joke’s on you. Your dog has:
- Conditioned you to go outside at specific hours.
- Taught you to open the door upon tiny whines.
- Programmed you to reward them for existing near you while being adorable.
They’re not “man’s best friend.” They’re the lead researchers on the project: *“Can We Regulate Human Cortisol Levels With Floppy Ears And Eye Contact?”* So far: yes.
---
5. Parrots: Chaos Gremlins Running A Long-Term Voice Imitation Study
Parrots are audio recorders with opinions.
They copy our voices, our laughs, our arguments, and then deploy them at the most chaotic possible time.
Documented parrot behaviors include:
- Perfectly imitating phone notifications and watching people check their phones 47 times.
- Recreating arguments they heard days ago—tone and everything—right in front of guests.
- Learning the sound of the microwave or doorbell and installing fear in the entire household.
This isn’t random mimicry. This is experimental sound design.
A parrot will listen, learn which sounds get the biggest reaction, then spam that button like a toddler with a toy keyboard. You are the variable. Your annoyance level is the data.
They also name objects and sometimes invent words, because language is just a sandbox to them. While we’re out here struggling through Duolingo, parrots are:
- Fluent in Human Yelling,
- Conversational in Door Creak,
- And advanced in “I Swear I Didn’t Say That, It Was The Bird.”
Their ongoing study is clearly: *“How Many Times Can I Gaslight This Person Into Thinking Someone’s At The Door Before They Move Out?”*
---
Conclusion
We started by thinking animals were cute, slightly weird little bundles of instinct.
Instead, we appear to be living in a massive cross-species research project titled: **“Humans: Adorable, Confused, Easily Trained.”**
- Crows are logging our faces.
- Cats are testing physics and boundaries.
- Octopuses are mapping our security vulnerabilities.
- Dogs are optimizing our emotions.
- Parrots are collecting soundbites like tiny feathered paparazzi.
So the next time you catch your pet staring at you like they’re writing mental field notes, don’t panic.
Just know that somewhere, in whatever counts as an animal research archive, you are the subject of a very detailed study called:
> **“This One’s A Bit Of A Mess, But We’re Keeping Them.”**
Now go share this with someone whose pet is *definitely* running simulations on them… which, statistically, is all of us.
---
Sources
- [National Audubon Society – How Crows Recognize Individual Human Faces](https://www.audubon.org/news/how-crows-are-able-recognize-individual-human-faces) – Explains research on crow facial recognition and memory
- [National Geographic – How Smart Are Cats?](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/cat-intelligence) – Discusses feline cognition, learning, and behavior
- [Scientific American – The Mind of the Octopus](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-mind-of-an-octopus/) – Explores octopus intelligence, problem-solving, and escape behavior
- [American Kennel Club – What Science Says About How Dogs Read Our Emotions](https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/lifestyle/how-dogs-read-human-emotions/) – Summarizes studies showing how dogs interpret human cues and feelings
- [Smithsonian Magazine – Why Parrots Are So Good at Mimicking Human Speech](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-parrots-can-mimic-human-speech-180964708/) – Details the science behind parrot vocal mimicry and learning