The Planet Is Officially Weird: 5 Current News Stories That Prove Reality Glitched
If you woke up today thinking, “Surely the world can’t get any stranger,” the news said, “Oh honey… watch this.” Between crime stories that sound like rejected Netflix plots and science headlines that read like fanfiction, reality is out here freelancing for Bored Monkee.
So, let’s grab one very real, very recent headline from today’s news cycle and use it as a portal into the “Wait… that actually happened?!” dimension. Buckle up, hydrate, and mentally prepare to say, “There is no way that’s real” at least five times.
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1. The Mountain Boyfriend Who Basically Rage-Quit the Relationship… and the Hike
Somewhere in Austria, a man reportedly decided that the best way to handle relationship problems was: leave your girlfriend on a literal mountain. On purpose. In bad weather. On Grossglockner, Austria’s highest peak. He then allegedly went down the mountain, went home, and later dropped a message on social media that was roughly the emotional equivalent of “New phone, who dis?” after she died.
You know the situation is unhinged when actual prosecutors are like, “We’re not sure if this is manslaughter or the dark origin story of a Lifetime movie villain.” The guy, Thomas Plamberger, is an experienced climber, which makes this even weirder: he absolutely knew how dangerous it was at that altitude. Imagine being so dedicated to not talking about your feelings that you’d rather try speedrunning “worst boyfriend in Europe” as a title. Somewhere on a first date tonight, someone’s saying, “I’m emotionally unavailable,” and their date is like, “Okay, but you’re not going to abandon me on a glacier, right? Just checking.”
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2. Cardi B’s “Why Not” Piercing Era and the Human Body’s Secret Storage Capacity
Recently, Cardi B decided that childbirth alone wasn’t intense enough and went for a fresh set of neck and back piercings shortly after welcoming a baby with Stefon Diggs. The internet immediately did what it does best: formed a panel of 10,000 unlicensed piercing experts who somehow all have conflicting opinions.
Here’s your weird fact: the human body is basically a slightly squishy Christmas tree—science just keeps finding new places to hang stuff off it. People get dermal anchors, corset piercings, finger piercings, even eyeball jewelry. Medical professionals are like: “Please don’t.” Fashion and TikTok are like: “But what if… yes.” What’s extra strange is how every generation has its scandalous body mod—tattoos, belly rings, gauges, now “spine bling.” Give it five years and some celebrity will be flexing their new LED kneecap on Instagram while comments alternate between “Queen!” and “That’s a demon portal.”
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3. The Internet Is Raising Your Kids’ Fashion Sense Via North West & Blue Ivy
In one of today’s ongoing headline genres—“The Children of Famous People Can’t Breathe Without Causing Think Pieces”—North West and Blue Ivy keep being compared online, especially when it comes to style, piercings, performances, and how their parents “let them express themselves.” Entire debates ignite because one child wore an earring or performed on stage and suddenly it’s TED Talk o’clock in the comments.
Weird fact: we are now at a point in history where strangers on the internet feel more emotionally responsible for celebrity kids than for their own houseplants. People will write three-paragraph essays on whether a 10-year-old’s outfit is age-appropriate, then walk away from their unwatered fern that has been begging for mercy since June. The actual kids? They’re growing up thinking it’s normal that millions of people have Opinions™ about their ears, socks, or hairstyle. In 20 years, their therapy intake form is just going to have a single question: “Please paste link to your TikTok childhood.”
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4. Millie Bobby Brown’s Baby Already Has Lore and Fan Theories
Someone posts a normal picture: Millie Bobby Brown holding her newborn daughter. The internet: “Okay, but what if the baby is secretly named after a coded Stranger Things reference that hints at Season 5, the end of capitalism, and the return of low-rise jeans?” Within hours, you get threads, TikToks, and conspiracy maps that look like a detective trying to solve both a murder and an astrology chart.
Weird fact: we used to make wild theories about fictional characters. Now we make them about newborns who literally can’t hold their own heads up yet. This baby is just trying to figure out how hands work while strangers online are zooming into pixels of her blanket like, “Enhance. Enhance. Is that… a clue?” The bizarre part is how fandom brain has leaked into real life: every celebrity baby gets announced like an ARG (alternate reality game). Honestly at this point, I’m half-expecting Millie’s kid to have a full-blown fan wiki before she learns to walk.
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5. “Very Finnish Problems” Proves Whole Countries Have Main Character Quirks
One of today’s most shareable online rabbit holes is the “Very Finnish Problems” Instagram page—an account dedicated to hyper-specific things people in Finland experience that somehow everyone on the internet relates to. Think: awkward small talk, intense weather mood swings, social anxiety, and the national sport of pretending you didn’t see your neighbor so you don’t have to say hi.
Weird fact: national stereotypes are evolving from “We like this food” to “We collectively spiral about the same micro-anxieties.” Scroll the posts and you realize an entire country has built a personality around loving silence, hating small talk, and wielding weather complaints like a second language. And yet, people from the US, UK, India, Brazil, wherever, are in the comments like, “Wait… this is me.” Apparently, we’re all just different flavors of socially awkward, weather-traumatized goblins trying to look functional in public. Finland just got there first and put it on merch.
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Conclusion
Today’s headlines are basically proof that we’re living in a high-budget, low-sense anthology series:
- Boyfriends abandoning girlfriends *on mountains*
- Post-baby piercing sprees
- Internet committees parenting celebrity kids
- Newborns with lore
- Nations collectively memeing their social anxiety
The weirdest part? All of this is real, right now.
So the next time someone says, “Nothing interesting ever happens anymore,” just hand them the news and say, “Are you *sure* you want interesting?” Then send them this article, because if we have to live in this fever dream of a timeline, we might as well laugh at it together.