The Internet Can Keep Its “Productivity” Hacks, These Are The Chaos Hacks You Actually Need
If one more person tells you to “wake up at 5 a.m. and drink lemon water” as a life hack, you have permission to throw a decorative pillow at them. Softly. We’re civilized. Mostly.
This is not that kind of list. These are the unhinged-but-useful, slightly toxic (in a funny way), holiday-season-survival-style life hacks that people will actually want to screenshot, send to group chats, and pretend they “just saw somewhere” so no one knows how devious they really are.
Let’s fix your life, one mildly unethical genius move at a time.
---
1. The Weaponized Calendar Invite Hack
You know how some people *magically forget* what they promised, especially around holidays, family gatherings, or when it’s time to clean anything that isn’t their phone screen?
Enter: the weaponized calendar invite.
Whenever someone says, “Yeah, I’ll totally help with that!” you smile sweetly… and immediately send a calendar event titled “JASON DOES DISHES LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT” for the exact date and time. Add reminders. Plural. One 1 day before, one 1 hour before, and one 10 minutes before, just for dramatic effect.
Bonus tricks:
- Put the task in the *location* field so it shows up everywhere: “Location: Mom’s House – Vacuuming The Planet”
- Add a description: “Previously agreed to during coherent hours, no take-backsies.”
- Invite witnesses. Siblings, roommates, that one cousin who lives for drama.
Now, when Jason mysteriously “doesn’t remember saying that,” you simply open your calendar and screen-share the receipts like you’re presenting evidence in court.
Congratulations. You’ve just updated “nagging” into a cloud-based, time-stamped, cross-platform accountability system.
---
2. The “Sorry, I Thought This Was Potluck” Energy-Saving Hack
Tired of being the designated host/chef/event planner/therapist every single Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving, and “small get-together that somehow turned into a 30-person festival”?
Try this: assume **every** event is potluck… and behave accordingly.
Hosting Thanksgiving but don’t want to die in your own stuffing this year? A week before, drop a cheerful group message:
> “Can’t wait to see everyone! I’ll handle turkey + one side.
> Comment your dish so we don’t end up with 12 pies. (Actually… do we hate that?)”
Notice the wording:
- “I’ll handle turkey + one side” = I am not the unpaid catering department.
- “Comment your dish” = PUBLIC commitment. Screenshottable. Memorable.
- Add a joke = They think you’re being fun, not strategic. (You are both.)
Day of, if someone shows up empty-handed but full of opinions about your gravy, you can go, “Oh no, did my text not go through? That’s wild. Anyway, the plates are over there, the knives are not sharp enough for murder, but please don’t test it.”
Is it passive-aggressive? Absolutely.
Is it better than quietly resenting everyone while basting a turkey at 2 a.m.? Also absolutely.
---
3. The “Emotional Support Screenshot” Drama-Proofing Hack
We live in the era of unhinged texts, deleted messages, and “I never said that” fantasies. So if someone:
- texts you like you’re their emotional punching bag,
- tries to gaslight you about plans,
- or sends a message so wild your jaw drops into the group chat…
You need an **Emotional Support Screenshot Folder**.
Here’s the hack:
- Create a photo album called “Taxes” or “Receipts” so no one clicks it out of boredom.
- Anytime something feels off, manipulative, or just hilariously toxic, screenshot it and drop it in.
- For extra organization, favorite the ones you’d absolutely present in the Court of Group Chat Opinion.
What this gives you:
- Instant validation when you’re starting to think, “Am I the crazy one?” Spoiler: usually not.
- Evidence when someone tries to rewrite history like they’re editing a Wikipedia page.
- Endless entertainment when you and your bestie scroll the folder like it’s a mini soap opera.
Note: This is not a hack for revenge. This is a hack for **boundaries, clarity, and occasionally sending a “Best Of” compilation to your therapist.**
---
4. The “Auto-Excuse Generator” For Events You Don’t Want To Attend
We’ve all hit that age where a “fun night out” sounds suspiciously like “standing in someone’s kitchen holding a cup and praying you see a dog.” If you’re done with unnecessary outings but not ready to be the Officially Rude Friend, you need preset excuses.
Build yourself a **Rotating Excuse Library**:
- Level 1 (soft no): “I’m in a brutal deadline week, can we rain check?”
- Level 2 (medium no): “My social battery is flatter than my bank account after rent.”
- Level 3 (hard no): “I’ve hit my quota of being perceived this week. Love you, mean it.”
The hacky part? Save these in your Notes app, and when an invite comes in:
1. Open notes.
2. Copy-paste.
3. Edit one word so it feels fresh.
Bonus social hack:
- Offer a future plan you *actually* want: “Can’t do the party, but coffee next week?”
Now you’re not the flaky friend; you’re the “quality time only” friend. Elite rebranding.
Extra-spicy variation for family gatherings you’re dreading:
> “I can’t stay long, I’ve got an early thing tomorrow”
No one needs to know the “early thing” is you, in bed, horizontal, with snacks.
---
5. The “Future Me Is Lazy” Anti-Regret Hack
Most “life hacks” assume Future You is a better person. Wrong. Future You is **tired**, scrolling on their phone, wondering who ate the last snack (it was you, three nights ago).
Instead of planning for Ideal Future You, plan for **Gremlin Future You**.
Examples:
- Hate cooking after work?
When you’re already in the kitchen once, double whatever you’re making and portion it into containers labeled “For Future Goblin.” Put one in the fridge, one in the freezer. Future You will worship Past You like a benevolent deity.
- Chronically misplacing stuff?
Have one “dump zone” where Gremlin You naturally throws keys, wallet, headphones, dignity, etc. Don’t fight the chaos—organize the chaos into one bowl/tray/basket. Upgrade from “Where is everything?” to “It’s in The Pile.”
- Forgetful with chores?
Add stupidly specific reminders:
- “Take trash out before it becomes a raccoon Airbnb.”
- “Wash clothes or accept wearing your ‘emergency pants’ again.”
Every system should answer this question:
**“Will this still work when I am sleepy, stressed, and 30% potato?”**
If yes, that’s a real-life hack. If it requires discipline and motivation, that’s a fantasy novel.
---
Conclusion
Life is already full of chaos: messy group chats, shady calendar commitments, relatives with Olympic-level opinions about your mashed potatoes, and people who “forgot” it was potluck.
You don’t need more “drink water and manifest” advice. You need:
- weaponized calendar invites,
- potluck expectations,
- screenshot insurance,
- pre-written excuses,
- and systems that respect your inner gremlin.
Share this with someone:
- who hosts everything,
- who’s always “the responsible one,”
- or who has at least three unhinged text threads they should honestly be charging admission for.
And remember: if you can’t fix your life, at least make it entertaining enough to send to the group chat. That’s the Bored Monkee way.