Nobody Expected These Life Hacks To Be This Chaotic And Yet Weirdly Useful
If you came here for “10 Ways To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Become A CEO,” you're lost. Turn around, grab a green juice, and go in peace.
Everyone else: welcome to Bored Monkee’s secret lab of life hacks that sound unhinged, look mildly illegal, and somehow…actually work. These are the hacks you’ll send to your group chat with “LMAO but wait this is genius” and then quietly use every day like a goblin of efficiency.
Let’s upgrade your life from “barely functioning” to “functioning, but in a surprisingly clever gremlin way.”
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The “Suitcase Burrito” Packing Hack
Congratulations, you are now a human Chipotle employee, but for clothes. Instead of folding your outfits like a normal person, you roll entire outfits together into what I call “suitcase burritos.”
Here’s the move: lay your shirt flat, place underwear and socks in the middle, fold pants over it, then roll the whole thing into one tightly packed log of travel glory. One burrito = one outfit. No more digging through your suitcase at 2 a.m. trying to find that one clean shirt buried under seven bad decisions and three pairs of mystery socks.
Bonus chaos: use a cheap shower cap (yes, the hotel ones) to cover the bottom of your shoes so they don’t touch your clothes. It looks insane, but it works, and suddenly you’re not coming home with “Eau de Sneaker” infused into your vacation wardrobe.
This is the kind of hack that makes you feel like a travel influencer even if you’re just going to your cousin’s house to sleep on an air mattress that will definitely deflate at 3 a.m.
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The “Lazy Person’s Clean Desk” Hack (Starring A Bedsheet)
Want a clean desk but also don’t want to… you know… clean? Grab a spare bedsheet. Any ugly one. The one with cartoon dogs you pretend you don’t own. That one.
Before you start a messy project (crafts, makeup, snack-fueled chaos, DIY “I saw this on TikTok and now I regret everything”), spread the bedsheet over your whole desk. Do your thing. Make a disaster. Crumbs? Glitter? Nail clippings? (Stop. But still.) Let it all fall.
When you’re done, pick up the sheet from the corners like you’re doing a low-budget magic trick. Shake it outside or dump it straight into the laundry basket. Boom: “clean” desk. You did almost nothing, yet you look like someone who has their life together.
This hack is especially useful for those of us whose version of “tidying up” is just stacking things into taller, more unstable piles.
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The “Phone Prison” Productivity Trick You’ll Actually Use
We all say “I’m gonna be productive” and then mysteriously regain consciousness 90 minutes later at the bottom of a TikTok rabbit hole watching a raccoon wash cotton candy. Enough.
Meet Phone Prison: take a clear food container (Tupperware, that random plastic bin, whatever), put your phone inside, close the lid, and stick it *just* out of reach on a shelf or behind you. You can still *see* it, which somehow calms the brain gremlin that panics when it’s out of sight, but it’s annoying enough to get that you won’t keep grabbing it every 27 seconds.
Level 2: set a timer on a different device (laptop, oven, smart speaker) for 25–30 minutes. No phone until it dings. During that time, do one task. Just one. Not twelve. One. Your brain will hate it for about 4 minutes and then suddenly you’re in “oh wow, I’m actually doing things” mode.
It’s like productivity cosplay: you’re still a chaos demon, but for half an hour you’re cosplaying as someone who reads their emails on time.
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The “Socially Anxious But Polite” Exit Strategy
Do you ever want to leave a social situation, but your anxiety is like, “No. We live here now”? This hack is for you, my fellow overthinker.
Before you even arrive somewhere, decide on your *pre-approved exit line*. Something simple, reusable, and socially acceptable, like:
- “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, so I’m gonna head out in a bit.”
- “I told myself I’d leave by [time], so I should stick to that.”
- “My brain battery is at 3%, I adore you, but I must log off.” (Only for people who get your humor.)
Here’s the magic part: set a quiet alarm on your phone with a label like “Leave, you beautiful potato” at your chosen exit time. When it goes off, you don’t have to *decide* anything in the moment—just follow your pre-made script. One less decision for your social-anxiety-addled brain to wrestle with.
This hack turns you from “ghosts without saying goodbye” to “mysteriously responsible adult” while still letting you go home, put on sweats, and talk to nobody but the fridge.
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The “Future You Is Royalty” Hack For Everyday Chores
The core problem with chores is that Present You doesn’t care about Future You at all. Present You is like, “Let them suffer; they’ll be fine.” Time to fix that.
Pick one tiny task per day that takes under 3 minutes but makes Future You’s life way better, then *dramatically* pretend you are doing it for a beloved monarch.
- Laying out tomorrow’s outfit? “This ensemble is for Their Majesty, who shall awake cranky yet fabulous.”
- Putting water next to your bed? “For the Royal Hydration Ceremony at 3 a.m.”
- Running the dishwasher before bed? “So the Royal Court awakens to clean spoons and no despair.”
Say it out loud if you live alone. Whisper it dramatically if you don’t. The trick is turning boring maintenance into a tiny, silly act of service. Suddenly, you’re not just tidying; you’re preparing tiny surprises for Future You, and they wake up like, “Who did this? Oh right. I love us.”
It’s dumb. It’s dramatic. It weirdly works. And your life gets about 12% less chaotic.
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Conclusion
Life hacks don’t have to be aesthetic, minimalist, or sponsored by someone trying to sell you a $49 productivity journal. They can be scrappy, mildly embarrassing, and still make your daily chaos a little more survivable.
Try one of these today:
- Roll one “suitcase burrito” before your next trip.
- Put your phone in Phone Prison for 25 minutes.
- Do one tiny “Future You is royalty” task tonight.
Then send this to the friend who’s always 60% overwhelmed, 30% hilarious, and 10% “I swear I’m trying.” In other words: your fellow Bored Monkee.